Barney Fife Quotes, One of 50 Greatest TV Characters of All Time list

Barney Fife Quotes – is a fictional character in the American television program The Andy Griffith Show, portrayed by comic actor Don Knotts. Barney Fife is a deputy sheriff in the slow paced, sleepy southern community of Mayberry, North Carolina. He appeared in the first five seasons (1960–65) as a main character, and, after leaving the show at the end of season five, made a few guest appearances in the following three color seasons (1965–68). He also appeared in the first episode of the spin-off series Mayberry R.F.D. (1968–1971), and in the 1986 reunion telemovie Return to Mayberry. Additionally, Barney appeared in the Joey Bishop Show episode, “Joey’s Hideaway Cabin” and the first episode of The New Andy Griffith Show.

In 1999, TV Guide ranked him Ninth on its 50 Greatest TV Characters of All Time list.

Barney Fife Quotes

“The Andy Griffith Show: Convicts-at-Large (#3.11)” (1962)
Deputy Barney Fife: [Floyd and he have run out of gas, and in walking about looking for some have arrived at a mountain cabin belonging to wealthy Mr. O’Malley. Barney decides to shout to see if anyone’s home] O’Malley! Charlie! It’s me, Barney Fife!
Floyd Lawson: [Aghast] You shouldn’t call a rich man by his first name!
Deputy Barney Fife: [to Floyd] The Bigger they are, the nicer they are.
Deputy Barney Fife: Hey, Chuck!


Deputy Barney Fife: [as seductive as a nervous little guy can be] Let’s you and me dance.
Big Maude Tyler: [Suprised – Barney had refused her before] You kiddin’?
Deputy Barney Fife: No, I’m not.
Big Maude Tyler: What made you change your mind?
Deputy Barney Fife: [REALLY trying to be seductive now] You’re beginnin’ to get to me.


Floyd Lawson: How come you’re putting on your uniform?
Deputy Barney Fife: In case we decide to hitchhike.
Floyd Lawson: Oh.
Deputy Barney Fife: In civies I’m a little hard looking.


Big Maude Tyler: By rights, I ought to let Naomi curl your hair with this heater.
Jalene Naomi Connors: [excited] Can I, Maude? Can I? I hate men!
Big Maude Tyler: She’s a convicted husband-beater.
Floyd Lawson: [worried] Better watch it, Al.
Deputy Barney Fife: Will you stop callin’ me Al?


Convict Sally: [Has mistaken Barney for her old beau Al, because there is a striking resemblance] How I loved that man!
Big Maude Tyler: I thought Al squealed and sent you up.
Convict Sally: [grabs Barney by the hair] RAT!
Deputy Barney Fife: I’m not Al!


Deputy Barney Fife: [Maude told him to lie to Andy] Supposing I refuse?
[Maude points the gun at point-blank range at where he and Floyd are sitting. Naomi and Sally hover over the couch, fists at the ready]
Floyd Lawson: Better phone him, Al!


Big Maude Tyler: [after she’s arrested] Rat! You dirty Rat! You RAT!
Deputy Barney Fife: You just settle down, sister!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Cyrano Andy (#1.22)” (1961)
Barney Fife: You’re that cats. I-I-I think about cha all the time. Sometimes at breakfast I… stare down at m’ eggs and… I see your face right in there.


Andy Taylor: Barney, I declare, I just don’t understand you. You said ’em all fine right there. Now, how come you can’t say the same thing to Thelma Lou?
Barney Fife: Well, I guess the trouble is I can… I can only say ’em to a face like yours, you character.


Barney Fife: How would you like it if I tried to steal Ellie away from YOU?
Andy Taylor: Well, um…
Barney Fife: Oh, you don’t think I can, do you?
Andy Taylor: Well, that’s not the point.
Barney Fife: POINT! Well, I CAN! And the funny part is you’re the one that showed me how. All I gotta do is sweet-talk her – and I’ve seen just enough Rock Hudson pictures to know how to do that.


Barney Fife: Oh, this is the oldest game in the world – stealin’ your best friend’s girl. Well, four can play at THIS game, buddy.


Barney Fife: If it smells, I want it.


Ellie Walker: Okay, Barney, what’ll it be.
Barney Fife: Does it have to… BE anything?
Ellie Walker: Well, no. No, you can sit down if you like. I just have this prescription to finish.
Barney Fife: You know the light in here does crazy things to your hair.
Ellie Walker: What?
Barney Fife: Oh, why pretend? I LIKE you, Ellie. You’re my kind o’ woman.
Ellie Walker: What?
Barney Fife: Let’s not try to fight it… baby.
Ellie Walker: Barney Fife, have you been drinking?
Barney Fife: Oh, baby…
Ellie Walker: [slaps his hand] Oh, now stop. I haven’t time for this nonsense. Now-now, stop acting like a juvenile.
Barney Fife: I feel sorry for you, baby. You-you had your chance to fly with me but you wasn’t woman enough. Now the balloon’s gone up without cha.


Barney Fife: Well, some of us got it, some of us ain’t.

“The Andy Griffith Show: A Plaque for Mayberry (#1.25)” (1961)
Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, I believe a sobriety test is given to a prisoner when you first bring him in. Now, you ought to have done that to Otis last night.
Barney Fife: Aw, Andy, you know we couldn’t have given a sobriety test to Otis last night.
Andy Taylor: Well, why not?
Barney Fife: He was too drunk.


Barney Fife: Now, I’m gonna test your reactions and your reflexes.
Otis Campbell: This jail’s gettin’ to be as bad as home.


Barney Fife: Now, this is a chart of Nathan Tibb’s family tree.
Andy Taylor: Where’d you get this?
Barney Fife: Over at the library.
Andy Taylor: You mean, this whole thing was in the library?
Barney Fife: Well, not the whole thing. Just the start of it. The rest I deduced.
Andy Taylor: Oh, you deduced?
Barney Fife: Yeah. It deduces right out to me. Me, Barney Fife. I almost started to cry right in the library.


Barney Fife: I can just see Otis showin’ up for that plaque now.
Barney Fife: [acting drunk] “Where’s m’ plaque? Gimme m’ plaque,” then he’ll stagger up to that Mrs. Wicks and he’ll say “How about a little drink, baby?”


Barney Fife: We’re gettin’ the real thing – Otis Campbell himself.
Mayor Pike: What?
Barney Fife: The hundred percent Otis Campbell – or should I say “hundred proof?”


Mayor Pike: I specifically asked you to get us a substitute for him, but you didn’t! You got HIM.
Andy Taylor: You did, and I didn’t, but I did.
Mayor Pike: How could you do it?
Barney Fife: Well, he did.
Mayor Pike: You didn’t.
Andy Taylor: I did.
Mayor Pike: How?
Andy Taylor: I just did.


Barney Fife: You s’pose we ought to put a plaque in that cell there – “Otis Campbell slept here?”
Andy Taylor: “Slept it off here”‘d be more like it.
“The Simpsons: Days of Wine and D’oh’ses (#11.18)” (2000)
Barney Gumble: Moe, I’ve come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.
Moe: No, that’s okay, Barn.
Barney Gumble: No it’s not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.


Barney: What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget…
[chugs a beer glass]
Barney: – my own birthday?


[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Barney: Beer! That’s what I need!
Barney: Barney, no! Don’t!
Barney: Yes! I need it.
Homer, Barney: [Barney opens the beer can and starts to drink, but Homer grabs his arm]
Homer: No! You’ve gotta be sober for this. Give me that.
Homer: [starts chugging the beer] Ew, it’s warm.
Barney: You can’t drink ’em all.
Homer: Oh, yes, I can.
[Homer wrestles Barney for the rest of the six-pack and chugs it]
Homer: I won’t let you give up now, when you worked so hard…
Homer: …to be the greatest pal in the world. I love you. Let’s not lose touch after graduation.
[passes out]
Barney: You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me.
Homer: Stay away from my wife!


Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.


Barney Gumble: I’m just saying that when we die there’s gonna be a planet for the french, a planet for the chinese, and we’ll all be a lot happier.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, you’re upsetting me.
Barney Gumble: No, I’m not.


Barney Gumble: Moe, I’ve come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years.
Moe: Oh, that’s okay, Barn.
Barney Gumble: No, it’s not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Quiet Sam (#1.29)” (1961)
Floyd Lawson: He cuts his own hair.
Barney Fife: He tell you that?
Floyd Lawson: Didn’t have to. I can spot an amateur head a mile off.


Barney Fife: Don’t look at him. He’ll know we’re talkin’ him.
Barney Fife: What’s he doin’ now?
Floyd Lawson: I don’t know. You told me not to look at him.


Barney Fife: Well, for my money, he’s got all the facial characteristics of a criminal. You know, the… the narrow chin, and the eyes close together, and… slack jaw with a prominent overbite.
Andy Taylor: You know who that sounds like?
Barney Fife: Who?
Andy Taylor: You.


Barney Fife: Boy, you wouldn’t notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
Andy Taylor: You tryin’ to tell me Sam Becker’s got a dirty elephant to his place?


Barney Fife: Yeah, Sam, I did my part in helpin’ to whip the dreaded hun.


Barney Fife: You sure didn’t freeze up on THIS little grasshopper.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Merchant of Mayberry (#2.22)” (1962)
Barney Fife: [angry] Oh, boy, you’re just full of fun today, aren’t ya? Why don’t we go up to the old people’s home and wax the steps?


Barney Fife: How are ya?
Bert Miller: Middlin’.


Andy Taylor: Whadda ya… whadda ya sellin’ these days, Bert? Anything?
Bert Miller: Oh, this and that.
Andy Taylor: Well, like what.
Bert Miller: Oh, first one thing, then another.
Andy Taylor: Well, what’s in the suitcase?
Bert Miller: Different things.
Barney Fife: For Pete’s sake, Bert. Open it up. We might buy somethin’ off of ya.
Bert Miller: Oh, you probably don’t need nothin’ no way, and I don’t wanna appear pushy.
Andy Taylor: [chuckles] Oh, nobody’ll ever accuse you of that, Bert. Now-now, what’s in the suitcase? Show us.


Aunt Bee Taylor: [to Bert] What have you got in your suitcase?
Andy Taylor: [imitating Bert’s style] Oh, he’s got, first, one thing, then another in there, Aunt Bee.
Barney Fife: [joining in] What about different things?
Andy Taylor: I forgot different things, and a whole lot of this ‘n’ that.
Barney Fife: Oh, I don’t know. I think Aunt Bee’d like one thing and another.
Andy Taylor: Hard to tell – either that or different things.
Barney Fife: Yeah.
Aunt Bee Taylor: What’re you talking about?
Andy Taylor: Now look here, Aunt Bee, it’s either gonna be socks, razor blades, or first one thing and then another. Now, we ain’t got time to stand around here while you make up your mind. We’re busy.


Barney Fife: Why don’t you go set in the grocery store so we can all know you’re the big cheese?


Barney Fife: I’ll tell you one thing, you’re gettin’ the best salesman in Mayberry.
Ben Weaver: Uh-uh. Second best.
Barney Fife: Huh? Well, who’s the best?
Ben Weaver: You oughta know. You’re workin’ for ‘im.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy and Barney in the Big City (#2.25)” (1962)
[Barney picks up Andy’s suitcase]
Andy Taylor: Uh, careful. There’s a bottle in there.
Barney Fife: You thought of everything, didn’t ya?


Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, no, wait a moment! We almost forgot!
[exits to the kitchen]
Barney Fife: What’d she forget?
Andy Taylor: Well, I’ll bet you a quarter she forgot a brown paper sack full of sandwiches. I never been on a trip in my life I didn’t have to carry a brown paper sack full of sandwiches.


Hotel Clerk: [presenting room keys] Here you are, Mr. Taylor, and Mr. Fife. Excuse me – “Doctor” Fife.
Andy Taylor: “Doctor” Fife?
Hotel Clerk: [reading registration card] “Bernard Fife, M.D.”
Andy Taylor: M.D.?
Barney Fife: That’s the way I always sign. Bernard Fife, M.D.
Barney Fife: [pressured under Andy’s gaze] Mayberry Deputy.


Andy Taylor: Now, Barn, outside of that meetin’ we got with the commissioner, we’re-we’re really off duty, you know?
Barney Fife: Off duty? Huh. Now, when is a lawman REALLY off duty?


[Andy signals the maître d’ to interpret the French menu]
Barney Fife: Don’t do that, Andy. You’ll embarrass me. He’ll think you’re just a plain hick.
Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, there’s worse things than bein’ a plain hick, like bein’ a hungry one.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Crime-Free Mayberry (#2.7)” (1961)
Barney Fife: [Barney, writing a song to the tune of Clementine, doesn’t know Andy is standing behind him] In a jailhouse down in Dixie / Fightin’ crime and riskin’ life / Dwelled a sheriff and his buddy / Pistol-packing Barny Fife. / Oh my darin’, oh my darin’ / Oh my darin’ Barney Fife / He’s a deadly crime stopper / What a copper, Barney Fife. / Then one day there came a ridin’/ Two bad men to rob a bank / But Fife was tricky, a deadeye dickie/ Now they’re locked up in the tank…
Andy Taylor: Oh my Barney, oh my Barney / Had a jail and couldn’t lock it / Had one bullet for his pistol / Had to keep it in his pocket.


Fred Jenkins: Now, the chief has sent me down here to observe firsthand just how you achieved this wonderful record.
Andy Taylor: Well, first-off, I think the credit ought to go where it rightfully belongs.
Barney Fife: Oh, now, Andy, you had just as much to do with it as I did.


Barney Fife: Yeah, I guess that’s the word that describes us best – modest. As you can see, we don’t go in for fancy technical equipment here. We’re just plain, simple men fightin’ organized crime with raw courage. Strong, determined, rugged, fearless…
Fred Jenkins: And modest.
Barney Fife: I think that’s the word that describes us best, yes.


Barney Fife: They’re written a folksong about us!
Andy Taylor: [reading the town paper] “The Ballad of Andy and Barney or the Gangsters’ Mistake.” If that ain’t the most ridiculous thing I ever…
Barney Fife: Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute, now. It’s not too bad. Try it from the top. The tune is like “Frankie and Johnny.”
Andy Taylor: What foolishness will they think of next?
Barney Fife: Go ahead.
Andy Taylor: Mm. “Andy and Barney were lawmen / Bravest you ever did see / Warned every crook in the record book / To stay out of Mayber-ry / They were the law.”
Barney Fife: [joining in] “Yes, they were the law.”
Barney Fife, Andy Taylor: “… And they didn’t know fear.”
Andy Taylor: Throw that thing in the trash.
Barney Fife: Now, wait a minute, Andy. It gets better in the second verse. Listen to this: “Pretty Boy Floyd com a-ridin’ / Dillinger, too, big as life / They weren’t alone – there was Al Capone / And in back of Mack the Knife / They broke the law…”
Andy Taylor: Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, Barney, hold it!
Barney Fife: What’s the matter?
Andy Taylor: Whoever wrote that did it for a joke.
Barney Fife: I did not!


Barney Fife: We defy the Mafia!

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Jinx (#2.17)” (1962)
Barney Fife: Thought I’d heard everything, but I didn’t hear everything, but I sure am hearin’ it now!


Barney Fife: [chanting for good luck] Come, fish, come. Come, fish, come. Sam’s at the gate with a frosted cake. Come, fish, come.


Barney Fife: [chanting for good luck] Fly away, buzzard. Fly away, crow. Way down south where the winds don’t blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx.


Barney Fife: Boy, you insist on flyin’ right in the face of scientific fact, don’t ya?
Andy Taylor: Scientific facts?
Barney Fife: There are atmospheric rays which control bodily motions. Now, if a person containing negative or hexin’ qualities gets between you and them rays, why, he creates a static that jars any successful motion into an unsuccessful motion and jinxes ya – and THAT is a scientific fact!
Andy Taylor: And that is also the biggest crock of nothin’ I ever heard!
Barney Fife: It’s guys like you that laughed at Edison, the Wright Brothers, Buzz Fluheart.
Andy Taylor: Buzz Fluheart?
Barney Fife: The man that discovered the scientific fact I was just tellin’ ya!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Barney’s Replacement (#2.2)” (1961)
Barney Fife: A wink’s as good as a nod to a blind mule.


Barney Fife: I ain’t got time to stand around here and discuss trivial trivialities.


Emma Brand: NOT a deputy?
Barney Fife: No!
Emma Brand: Well! If you’re not a deputy, you certainly had a lot of nerve arresting me for jaywalking!


Barney Fife: And you better gird your loins, buster. You got a fight on your hands.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Perfect Female (#2.8)” (1961)
[Barney’s smooth ploy to get Andy over to the coffee shop has so far not worked]
Barney Fife: [anxiously] Andy, let’s go over to the coffee shop and have a cup of coffee.
Andy Taylor: Well, why?
Andy Taylor: What?
Andy Taylor: Oh. Okay.
[Andy starts to head out]
Andy Taylor: Over to the coffee shop to meet Thelma Lou’s cousin from Arkansas. You comin’?


Barney Fife: Aw, come on, Andy. Boy, you’re funny, you are. You ought to go on a radio and be an all-night disc jockey. At least then I could turn you off.


Barney Fife: Losin’ to a woman. Jiminy. It’s the end of an era.


Karen Moore: But, do you know something, Andy? I don’t think I really and truly know all there is to know about you. Let’s see, now – you do like music.
Andy Taylor: Well, I…
Karen Moore: Well, do you like opera, modern, classical?
Andy Taylor: I can’t… I couldn’t…
Karen Moore: And books. Do you like fiction of non-fiction. Who’s your favorite American author?
Andy Taylor: I, uh…
Karen Moore: Oh, and please just tell me one thing: do you think you could ever make a livin’ at anything besides sheriffin’? I… I hope you don’t mind my askin’ you all these questions, but you see these are things I really and truly have to know so I can evaluate you properly. You know, “pass muster.”
Barney Fife: Now just a minute! What are you tryin’ to do here?
Karen Moore: Well, it’s all very simple. When Mr. Taylor gave me the thrill and honor of okaying me as worthy of his attentions, I thought it would be awfully nice if I could award him the same thrill. I’ll tell you, Mr. Taylor, I’ll consider all of your qualities and I’ll let you know if you made the grade.

“The Andy Griffith Show: My Fair Ernest T. Bass (#4.17)” (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I’m sorry to hear that, Ernest T. I know how important it is to ya to get a girl.
Ernest T. Bass: I’ve tried courtin’ Hog Winslow’s daughter; Hogette.
Deputy Barney Fife: Pretty name.
Ernest T. Bass: Hogette is French. French name.
Ernest T. Bass: Well, I courted her as proper as proper can be. First off I wrote her a love note asking her to go on out with me. And then I tied it on to the prettiest rock ya ever did see. And then I give it the prettiest toss ya ever did see… right through the front window!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, did Hogette come on out with ya?
Ernest T. Bass: Couldn’t. Caught her right there.
[points to a spot above his left ear]
Ernest T. Bass: Seven stitches.


Deputy Barney Fife: You lay people have got to learn to leave evidence alone. It’s going to make it very difficult now for us and the boys at the lab.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: What Lab?


Deputy Barney Fife: You sure got slim pickins here. Dogs, nothin but dogs.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Barney!
Deputy Barney Fife: Andy, if you flew a quail through this room, every woman in it would point.


Sheriff Andy Taylor: She think’s he’s from Boston.
Deputy Barney Fife: Boston?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah.
Deputy Barney Fife: Andy, you did that good a job or Mrs. Wiley’s a nut.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy the Matchmaker (#1.7)” (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, you can’t be serious about resignin’. What in the world will you do?
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I-I don’t know. I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.


Deputy Barney Fife: [reading] “There once was a deputy called Fife, who carried a gun and a knife. The gun was all dusty, the knife was all rusty, ’cause he never caught a crook in his life.”


Deputy Barney Fife: [about the limerick] It makes out like I-I-I never wanted to catch crooks – and that just ain’t so. I’d catch ’em in a minute, but how’m I gonna catch ’em if there ain’t any, for heaven’s sake? If only somebody would just commit a crime – one good crime! If only somebody’d just… kill somebody.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [shocked] Barney!
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, I don’t mean anybody we know.


Sheriff Andy Taylor: Uh, Opie, Barney says there was a poem written on the wall of the bank and that you was standin’ along beside of it with a piece of chalk in your hand.
Opie Taylor: Yeah, but I didn’t do it, pa. Honest.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I believe you.
Deputy Barney Fife: [angrily] Are you pittin’ your crime detectin’ judgement against mine?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, I have to, because, for one thing, Opie wouldn’t lie to me.
Deputy Barney Fife: You call that evidence?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: And for another, he ain’t learned how to write yet.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Lucky Letter (#5.19)” (1965)
Deputy Barney Fife: You work with a person long enough you get as goofy as he is!


Deputy Barney Fife: I am not superstitious and who says I believe in chain letters; I just don’t mess around with them that’s all.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Superstition!
Deputy Barney Fife: Now here’s where we come to a matter of terms; you call it superstition, I call it caution!


Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hey, Barn, does the number 13 bother you?
Deputy Barney Fife: I’m not crazy about it but it don’t bother me.


Sheriff Andy Taylor: What are you gonna do tonight?
Deputy Barney Fife: Nothing! Sit around in my room; not much can happen to me there.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy Saves Barney’s Morale (#1.20)” (1961)
Barney Fife: Well, he did willfully with malice aforethought throw a checkerboard full of checkers. Could’ve blinded somebody.
Andy Taylor: Well, now, seein’ as how that’s been going on between Chester and Old Jud here for around twenty years, that’s more a part OF the peace than it is disturbin’ the peace. Case dismissed, Jud. You can go on home.
Jud Fletcher: Thank ya, Andy. And thank you too, Barney.
Barney Fife: What for?
Jud Fletcher: Well, considering the kind of crime I done, for not tryin’ to get me hung.


Chester Jones: Barney! Barney, quick, you got to catch him!
Barney Fife: Who?
Chester Jones: The fella what just hit and run!
Barney Fife: Hit and run? Where?
Chester Jones: Out to the baseball field.


Barney Fife: Suck in that gut!


Andy Taylor: I tell you the truth, I’m surprised you didn’t get to me, too.
Barney Fife: Uh, well, if you want to get technical about it…
Andy Taylor: Huh?
Barney Fife: Well, you could be reprimanded for being out of uniform. I mean, no tie and collar open, pants unpressed, not wearin’ a revolver and gun belt, sleeves rolled up, your shoes…
[Andy holds up a hand for silence then marches himself off to his own jail cell]

“The Andy Griffith Show: A Medal for Opie (#2.19)” (1962)
[Barney talks about training Opie]
Opie Taylor: You mean you’re gonna make me one big muscle, too?
Barney Fife: Yeah.
Andy Taylor: Uh, ‘cept in your case, we’ll try to stop at the neck.
Barney Fife: [irritated] That’s very comical, Andy, only comicalness don’t win no medals.


Barney Fife: [chanting while skipping rope] My mother, your mother, lived across the way. Every night they have a fight and this is what they say: Ickabacka-soda cracker, ickabacka-foo. Ickabacka-sode cracker, out goes you.


Barney Fife: Now, boys, as Sheriff Taylor has said, I will be the official starter, and this is the official starting gun. Now, you may not run until the gun is fired. Now, when I pull the trigger, the gun will fire, and then you may run, but wait until the gun is fired. I will pull the trigger and you will then hear a shot. That means…
[Andy cuts him off so they can start the race]


Barney Fife: Where you goin’?
Opie Taylor: I’m leavin’. You’re a sight.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Manhunt (#1.2)” (1960)
Deputy Barney Fife: You’ll never guess what’s happened. Something big.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, what is it?
Deputy Barney Fife: Biggest thing ever happened in Mayberry. REAL big. Big. BIG big.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now-now just simmer down, Barney. What is it?
Deputy Barney Fife: Well, I’m tryin’ to tell ya.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, so far, all I know is it’s something big.
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, “big” ain’t the word for it.


Deputy Barney Fife: Andy, you can’t let Otis go.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I have to. His sentence is up.
Deputy Barney Fife: But he’s the only prisoner we’ve got.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well?
Deputy Barney Fife: Well, what are the state police gonna think when they get here and find we got an empty jail? They gonna think this is just a hick town where nothin’ ever happens.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, now, you got to admit that-that’s about the size of it.


Deputy Barney Fife: He got the drop on me.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You mean he had a gun?
Deputy Barney Fife: Ugh… well… he has NOW.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Mountain Wedding (#3.31)” (1963)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: If you ask me, this Ernest T. Bass is a strange and weird character.
Briscoe Darling: Just plain ornery’s what he is.
Deputy Barney Fife: I think he’s a nut.


Deputy Barney Fife: [to Ernest T. Bass] I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on earth!


Deputy Barney Fife: [the Darlings all are snoring heavily and keeping him awake] Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hm?
Deputy Barney Fife: Are you asleep?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You kidding?

“The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee the Warden (#2.23)” (1962)
Barney Fife: Great work, chief. Who are they? What’d you get ’em on? 502? 626? 308? Want me to send out an “APB”?
Andy Taylor: “All Points Bulletin”, Barney? They’re already here. They’re captured.


Barney Fife: Sure is good to be doin’ a capacity business, huh, Sheriff? Both these babies filled up.
Andy Taylor: Well, I’ll tell you the truth, I’d as soon see them cells empty, that way we now law and order’s bein’ observed.


Barney Fife: Now I have here a woodcarving set, a leather craft set, a metal craft set, and a Mr. Potato set. Now, who wants what? Now, it makes no difference to me which one you take. Well, come on, come on. Speak up. Which one do you want?
Junior Gordon: I’ll take the Mr. Potato set.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy’s Rich Girlfriend (#3.2)” (1962)
Barney Fife: It won’t work.
Andy Taylor: What won’t work?
Barney Fife: You and Peg. That’s what won’t work. Andy, I hate to have to tell you this but you’re gonna have to give her up. Forget about her. Nip it. Nip it in the bud.
Andy Taylor: What’re you talkin’ about?
Barney Fife: You want me to spell it out for ya, huh? All right, I will. Andy, she is one of the rich, and they are different.
Andy Taylor: Oh, come on.
Barney Fife: No, no, no. They are. They’re different. From the minute they’re born with that silver spoon in their hands…
Andy Taylor: Mouth.
Barney Fife: Right… life is different.


Barney Fife: Ya ever see a rich kid’s bicycle?
Andy Taylor: No.
Barney Fife: Solid chronium with at least six or seven red reflectors.
Andy Taylor: I’ll be dogged.
Barney Fife: Then after the bicycle age, they go off to what they call a refinishin’ school.
Andy Taylor: A finishin’ school.
Barney Fife: Right. While they’re there, they play with the same kind of kids.
Andy Taylor: Lot of reflectors.
Barney Fife: Right.


Barney Fife: That poor, blind fool. He don’t know it but he’s headed right for heartbreak alley.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Cow Thief (#3.5)” (1962)
William Upchurch: Sheriff tells me you decided not to make a moulage.
Barney Fife: [obviously unfamiliar with the word] A moulage? Y-y… yeah, that’s right. We decided not to make a moulage, he-he. Oh, we told a few people, but we decided it didn’t make sense upsettin’ folks runnin’ around blabbin’, makin’ a big moulage out of it.
Andy Taylor: Uh, Barney, he means a plaster cast of the prints.
Barney Fife: Th-THAT kind of moulage.


Barney Fife: [trying to sound experienced while mixing ingredients] I think that can use a touch more plaster. I always like to make my moulages just a bit on the solid side.
Andy Taylor: [not buying it] I like to use a little egg white in mine. Makes ’em moister and fluffier.


Barney Fife: I was almost out to the car and… Well, I got to rememberin’ another time, a few years back, when another mayor of our town accused you of havin’ a harebrained idea. Remember that? That was when you had the idea of making me your deputy.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy the Marriage Counselor (#1.18)” (1961)
[Andy and Barney have just been called to calm the Boones]
Barney Fife: Now, Jennie, put that cup down! Put it down RIGHT NOW!


Barney Fife: I see what you did wrong now.
Andy Taylor: Huh?
Barney Fife: You was holdin’ the knife in the wrong hand.
Andy Taylor: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more considerate next time I attack you.


Barney Fife: Throw the book at ’em.
Andy Taylor: Wouldn’t do any good. Jennie’d just pick it up and throw it back at Fred.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Barney and the Choir (#2.20)” (1962)
Barney Fife: Yeah, it’s tough all right. As my old voice teacher used to say, “A choir without its tenor is like a star without its glimmer.” You know who used to say that? My old voice teacher. That’s the teacher I had when I studied voice.


Barney Fife: See, you’ve got a uvula, they’ve got a uvula, I got a uvula, all God’s children got a uvula!
Andy Taylor: Hallelujah.


Andy Taylor: Hold it! Barney, you’re supposed to be talking.
Barney Fife: Oh, it’s no use, Andy. Can you tell a bird to talk? Can you tell a bird to just go chirp, chirp, chirp? No, Andy, I’m like a bird. I was born to sing.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Return of Malcolm Merriweather (#4.28)” (1964)
Barney Fife: There’s nothing worse than a wino on a crying jag.


Barney Fife: [Barney sees that Malcolm is obviously drunk] Andy… He’s gassed!

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Pickle Story (#2.11)” (1961)
Barney Fife: I don’t know how I can face the future when I know there’s eight quarts of these pickles in it.


Barney Fife: You mean you actually WANT her to make another batch of them kerosene cucumbers?

“The Andy Griffith Show: Mayberry on Record (#1.19)” (1961)
Barney Fife: Come on, everybody, let’s all take a bite out of Barney Fife!


Andy Taylor: Now, they’re all legitimate government deductions. Besides, you know what they say, “Can’t take it with you.”
Barney Fife: Take it WITH me? They keep nibblin’ at me like this, I’ll be lucky if I get to go myself.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Sermon for Today (#4.4)” (1963)
Barney Fife: Yeah, we really packed it away.
Andy Taylor: Yeah, boy.
Barney Fife: Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle.
Andy Taylor: Mmm.
Barney Fife: It’s a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle.
[pats stomach]
Barney Fife: See there?


Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon has such a wonderful lesson for us.
Andy Taylor: Yes, sir, you really hit the nail right on the head there.
Barney Fife: Yes, sir, that’s one subject you just can’t talk enough about… SIN.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Mr. McBeevee (#3.1)” (1962)
Opie Taylor: I told Mr. McBeevee I’d be right back.
Andy Taylor: Who?
Opie Taylor: Mr. McBeevee. You don’t know him. He’s new around here. I just met him this mornin’.
Andy Taylor: Oh.
Barney Fife: Oh, a newcomer in town, eh? Where’s he live at?
Opie Taylor: I met him in the woods.
Barney Fife: What’s he doin’ in the woods?
Opie Taylor: Well, mostly he walks around up in the treetops.
Barney Fife: He walks in the tree…
Barney Fife: [getting wise] Mm-hm. I supposed he’s invisible, too.
Opie Taylor: No. Mr. McBeevee’s easy to see, especially his hat. He wears a great, big, shiny silver hat.


Opie Taylor: [in describing Mr. McBeevee] The only thing is, when he walks he sort of jingles.
Barney Fife: He jingles?
Opie Taylor: Just like he had rings on his fingers and bells on his toes.
Barney Fife: [clearing throat] Well, course, uh, he don’t REALLY have rings on his fingers and bells on his toes, now does he, Ope?
Opie Taylor: No. Just sounds that way.
Barney Fife: [relieved] That’s right.
Opie Taylor: The jinglin’ is really from all the things hangin’ on his belt.
Barney Fife: What things?
Opie Taylor: His hands. His twelve extra hands.
Barney Fife: He has twelve… extra hands and they… jingle.
Opie Taylor: And he can make smoke come out of his ears.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Shoplifters (#4.21)” (1964)
Deputy Barney Fife: Well, play the game! Play the game! I hate it when you get obtuse!


Sheriff Andy Taylor: He’s one of our most respected citizens, one of our best church-goin’ members. He knows every hymn in the book.
Deputy Barney Fife: Aw, that’s just a front! You watch him sometime when we’re singin’ “Leaning On The Everlasting Arms.” He don’t even know the words! He just moves his lips!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Up in Barney’s Room (#4.10)” (1963)
Barney Fife: Who ever heard of a room you couldn’t cook in? Six dollars a week, and what do I get? Heartaches, nothin’ but heartaches!


Barney Fife: I don’t like it, I just don’t like it!
Andy Taylor: Don’t like what?
Barney Fife: Her marrying that stranger.
Andy Taylor: He’s no stranger to her…
Barney Fife: [Barney looking frustrated and angry] All right, let em get married… I just hope it ends in a quickie Mexican divorce
Andy Taylor: BARNEY!

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Guitar Player (#1.3)” (1960)
[Shortly after Sheriff Taylor arrests Jim Lindsey, they jam together on guitars in the jailhouse]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [singing solo as they play] Ridin’ on that new river train. Ridin’ on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me back again.
[Andy and Jim play through an instrumental passage]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Darlin’, you can’t love one. Darlin’, you can’t love one. Can’t love one and have any fun. Oh, darlin’, you can’t love one.
[Deputy Barney Fife enters the jailhouse during a second instrumental passage]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Sing, Barney.
Sheriff Andy Taylor, Deputy Barney Fife: [together, as Jim and Andy continue to play] Ridin’ on that new river train. Ridin on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me home again.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: One more.
Sheriff Andy Taylor, Deputy Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney sing together as song concludes with Andy and Jim on their guitars] Ridin’ on that new river train. Ridin’ on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here gonna take me back again.


Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Bobby Fleet and his band members, arrested off screen, now stand at Andy’s desk] Guilty as charged. That’ll be twenty dollars or 24 hours in jail.
Bobby Fleet: [quickly spoken, in frustration] Twenty fish for a crummy parking rap?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, we try to keep it low for the first offense.
Bobby Fleet: Yeah, and how much of the twenty do you stick in your own kick?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ohh, I wished you hadn’t a said that. I mean, I don’t mind an insult personally but, why, you’ve offended the dignity of my robes. Now, let’s see… what is our price for robe dignity offendin’? Why, that’s $50.
Bobby Fleet: [quickly spoken, in frustration] $50?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah, plus the twenty, that’s seventy altogether.
Bobby Fleet: Aw, come on now! Now, look Sheriff, there’s no reason to get hot under the collar over this. I mean, uh, you’ve got your job to do, and I’ve got mine. Now, uhh… Oh, that reminds me. We’re gonna be playin’ at the capitol over the weekend. Now, how would you and your fine deputy here like to come and see us, huh? I’ll see that you have a big time. Oh, you’ll be my guests, of course.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ohhh. Now, you have REALLY done it.
Bobby Fleet: [spoken very quickly, in exasperation] What, what, what, what, what?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, you just tried to bribe me is all. That’s the worst thing anybody can do. I hate to tell you what the fine is on that.
Bobby Fleet: Never mind. I don’t care what the fine is. I’m not gonna pay it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, you mean you’ll take the 24 hours?
Bobby Fleet: That’s just what I mean. No hick Sheriff is gonna bleed me. We’ll all stay overnight.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, that’s the way it’ll be then.
[Andy bangs his gavel, closing the case]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Deputy, lock up the prisoners.
Deputy Barney Fife: Glad to! All right, let’s move it along! Come on, on the double there! Come on, let’s look sharp! Look sharp! Come on, get in there. And suck in that gut!

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Horse Trader (#1.14)” (1961)
Andy Taylor: You wanna buy this cannon?
Barney Fife: No!
Andy Taylor: Well, stop makin’ faces!


Andy Taylor: You wanna buy this cannon?
Barney Fife: No!
Andy Taylor: Well, shut up!

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Case of the Punch in the Nose (#5.25)” (1965)
Charles Foley: [Recounting the incident of 20 years ago] One word led to another, and he punched me, right in the nose!
Deputy Barney Fife: What’s so funny?
Charles Foley: Can you imagine Floyd punching anybody? It was more like a *boop*!


Deputy Barney Fife: Neatness counts. Make order the order of the day.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Barney on the Rebound (#2.5)” (1961)
Andy Taylor: Thelma Lou got a mad on at you, has she?
Barney Fife: Andy, what is it with women. They got some kind of a rule they can’t be happy unless they’re causin’ trouble?


Gladys ‘Melissa’ Stevens: [cuddling up against Barney] Wouldn’t you like to stay like this forever?
Barney Fife: [uncomfortably] Well…
Gladys ‘Melissa’ Stevens: Well, wouldn’t you?
Barney Fife: Yeah, I guess.
Gladys ‘Melissa’ Stevens: Barney, do you mean it? Daddy! Daddy, come quick! Wait’ll ya hear!
Barney Fife: What? What? Hear what?
George Stevens: What is it? What is it? What happened?
Gladys ‘Melissa’ Stevens: Daddy, guess what? Barney has just proposed to me.
George Stevens: He did?
Gladys ‘Melissa’ Stevens: He did.
Barney Fife: I did?

“The Andy Griffith Show: High Noon in Mayberry (#3.17)” (1963)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Andy and Barney are discussing the “threatening” letter from the recently released ex-con whom Andy shot in the leg during a filling station hold up when the phone rings] Hello, sheriff’s office… Oh, yes Ms. Peterson, aww… Well I’ll take care of it right away… Yes, Ma’am. Bye.
[Hangs up the phone]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ms. Peterson ‘s Fluffy’s on the roof again.
Deputy Barney Fife: This is a time for pussycats with a killer on the loose?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Fluffy’s got kittens and you know how you’d feel seeing your mother on the roof.
Deputy Barney Fife: [Follows Andy to the door as he’s leaving, and takes his gun from the holster and tries to get Andy to take it] Andy… take this, put it under your shirt.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I won’t need it, Barn. Fluffy and I’ve been friends for years.


Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Billy Ray is delivering mail to the courthouse] I’ll take it Billy Ray.
Billy Ray, the Postman: Oh no you don’t. The mail must go through.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: But I’m standing right here. Hand it to me Billy Ray.
Billy Ray, the Postman: You’re not an authorized receptacle.
Deputy Barney Fife: But he’s an official of this county.
Billy Ray, the Postman: Means nothin’ to me. I’m a Fed.
Deputy Barney Fife: Wait until you park that mail truck of yours in an illegal spot some time.
Billy Ray, the Postman: As long as I’m carryin’ registered mail, I got the right of way over ambulance, police cars, fire engines, and heavier-than-air craft.
Deputy Barney Fife: Put a mail sack on some people, goes right to their Heads!

“The Andy Griffith Show: The County Nurse (#2.24)” (1962)
Barney Fife: That little kissy on the jaw, that, uh, felt kinda good, didn’t it?
Andy Taylor: It felt better than a mule’s nose, yes.


Barney Fife: You know, it’s a good thing she ain’t campaignin’ for folks to get their eyes examined.
Andy Taylor: How’s that?
Barney Fife: One kiss on your jaw and we’d all be wearin’ glasses.
Andy Taylor: Oh, now, come on, Barney. I mean…
Barney Fife: If she ever kissed you on the mouth, we’d all have to have our appendix taken out.
Andy Taylor: You’re a nut.
Barney Fife: Well, you’re a dear.

“The Andy Griffith Show: A Date for Gomer (#4.9)” (1963)
Barney Fife: A man spends money gettin’ his suit spotted and pressed takes two hours polishing his hat, and for what? Heartaches!


Barney Fife: We gotta get some guy that’s not been around too much, you know, really naive, some guy with not too much upstairs, in other words, a real dope.
Gomer Pyle: [Gomer enters] Hey Andy! Hey Barney!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Stranger in Town (#1.12)” (1960)
Barney Fife: Next time I want a haircut, I’m gonna stick my head in a pencil sharpener.
Floyd the Barber: Yes, sir, and it’ll fit, too.


Barney Fife: And I still think he’s some kind of a spy.
Andy Taylor: Oh, you do?
Barney Fife: Yes, I do.
Andy Taylor: And you figure somebody here in town is his contact, and maybe between ’em they’re tryin’ to figure out some of our secrets, like h-how we make possum pie, or how me make turnip jam… Laaa-aaaw! You DON’T reckin’ he’s here snoopin’ around tryin’ to find out how we make fried chicken and johnnycake, do you?

“The Andy Griffith Show: Barney’s Sidecar (#4.16)” (1964)
Barney Fife: [Walks in wearing helmet, leather gloves, and a leather jacket] Mounted patrol checking in.
Andy Taylor: How are you Baron Von Richthofen?


Barney Fife: If you ride with your mouth open in the wind and put your tongue against the roof of your mouth, its impossible to pronounce a word that begins with the letter ‘s’.
Andy Taylor: You didn’t let anyone see you riding with your mouth open?

“The Andy Griffith Show: Citizen’s Arrest (#4.11)” (1963)
Deputy Barney Fife: Gomer, I have to uphold the law, no matter what! It’s only what any responsible person should do. Why, even if I weren’t a policeman, I would still arrest you for making a illegal U-turn… any person can do that, you know… it’s called a citizen’s arrest.
Gomer Pyle: [seeing Barney make a U-turn with his squad car as he drives away] Hey! HEEEYYYY – – BARNEY! You made an illegal u-turn YOURSELF! You’re breakin’ the law, and so I, as a responsible person, need to arrest you! Citizen’s arrest! Citizen’s arrest!


Deputy Barney Fife: Boy that Mrs. Devero sure is ugly, ain’t she?
Andy Taylor: Barney, she can’t help it.
Deputy Barney Fife: She’s just ugly as homemade soap.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The New Housekeeper (#1.1)” (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you man…
Opie Taylor: I know why they shouldn’t be married.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Opie, what’re you tryin’ to do?
Opie Taylor: I’m speakin’ now so’s I won’t have to forever hold my peace.
Deputy Barney Fife: You’re not supposed to speak.
Opie Taylor: Then why did he ask?


Deputy Barney Fife: Aw, shucks, Andy. I want to do good on this job. Even if it’s just deliverin’ messages, I wanna do it right.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I know you do, and-and-and I admire your attitude.
Deputy Barney Fife: You see, Andy, I want the folks in this town to realize that you picked me to be your deputy because you, well, you looked over all the candidates for the job, and-and you judged their qualifications and their character and their ability, and you come to the fair, the just, and the honest conclusion that I was the best-suited for the job. An… and I wanna thank you, Cousin Andy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You’re welcome, Cousin Barney.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Farmer Takes a Wife (#2.13)” (1962)
Barney Fife: I’m disappointed in you, Andy. I am REALLY disappoint… I have… I can’t remember when I have been THIS disappointed in you.
Andy Taylor: What are you disappointed in me for?
Barney Fife: Well, why didn’t you stop me?
Andy Taylor: I couldn’t stop ya.
Barney Fife: That’s right, that’s right. Pass the buck.
Andy Taylor: Barney, I’m not passin’ the buck. I’m just remindin’ you of the facts, and the facts are: Jeff come to town, said he’s lookin’ for a bride, you said you’d help him, and the way you helped you took him over to Thelma Lou’s, and that’s how it all happened.
Barney Fife: Oh, why hash over ancient history?


Barney Fife: Nip it! Nip it in the bud!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Deputy Otis (#2.31)” (1962)
[Otis receives a letter at the courthouse]
Otis Campbell: Would you mind readin’ it fer me, Andy? I ain’t got my glasses.
Barney Fife: Can’t you read without ’em?
Otis Campbell: Only labels.


Barney Fife: Well, what kind of a job can you give to Otis? Well, he’s irresponsible, he’s careless, he’s unreliable.
Andy Taylor: I’ll make him a deputy.
“The Simpsons: The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson (#9.1)” (1997)
Lenny: Hey, let’s go to the girls college!
Carl: No! Playboy Mansion, Playboy Mansion!
Homer Simpson: It’s my car, and I say we’re going to the Lost City of Gold!
Barney Gumble: [angry] Oh, that’s just drunk talk!
Barney Gumble: Sweet, beautiful drunk talk…


Homer: [after Barney has been missing for two months] Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Bookie Barber (#2.28)” (1962)
Barney Fife: [concerned about Floyd’s cut of his sideburns] Andy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Mm.
Barney Fife: Look at this.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Look at what?
Barney Fife: Can’t ya see? They ain’t even.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, I’ll be dogged, you’re right.
Barney Fife: Doggone, I knew it. I told him.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: One ear IS longer than the other.
Barney Fife: You’re almost as funny as Floyd, you know that? Why don’t you two team up and call yourselves Frick and Frack!


Sheriff Andy Taylor: Them fellas goin’ into the barbershop there.
Barney Fife: What about ’em?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ain’t they the same three fellas we saw goin’ in there yesterday about this time?
Barney Fife: Yeah, now that you mention it, they do look familiar.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Yeah. Don’t that seem a little strange to you, customer goin’ back to the barbershop the very next day?
Barney Fife: No.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: No?
Barney Fife: No. Didn’t you ever hear of a person with a compelsion complex.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: A what?
Barney Fife: Compelsion complex, you know, like when folks gotta be a washin’ their hands all day long – that’s a hand-washin’ compelsion. Well, what you’re lookin’ at there, that’s a case of hair-cuttin’ compelsion.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: All three of ’em?
Barney Fife: Well, all three of ’em’s got the compelsion. Listen, you find compelsion nuts all over.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Sheriff Barney (#2.12)” (1961)
Barney Fife: Why don’t we go up to the hospital some night and take the bolts off of the wheelchairs? That’d be funny, too.


Barney Fife: This is your subconscious. Come in, please.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Runaway Kid (#1.6)” (1960)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Dadburnit, I’m a sheriff and I got my duty to do.
Deputy Barney Fife: Yeah. Oh… oh… where’re you goin’?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Home to get permission from my son to do it.


Deputy Barney Fife: That’s twice in one day you’ve run afoul of the law! You keep this up and I’m gonna have to draw YOUR face NEXT!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee’s Medicine Man (#3.24)” (1963)
Barney Fife: Where there’s smoke, there’s firewater!


Barney Fife: Andy, I hate to say this, but…
Andy Taylor: You don’t have to.
Barney Fife: If it was anybody else, I’d say she was tiddly!
Andy Taylor: If it was anybody else, you’d be right. But she won’t even let a fruitcake in the house, on account of a brother she had.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Opie’s Hobo Friend (#2.6)” (1961)
Barney Fife: Oh, Andy, everything’s breakin’ loose. First, Mrs. Tillman has an apple pie stolen from her window. Now, Jess Crawford just reported a chicken thief. It’s a regular reign of terror!


Barney Fife: Oh, my gosh, there goes a whole cow!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Jailbreak (#2.18)” (1962)
Barney Fife: [answering the phone] Sheriff’s office, Fife here.
Art Crowley, the Grocer: This is Art over at the grocery store. Listen, I finally got the dog that’s been barkin’ every morning and wakin’ up the whole neighborhood.
Barney Fife: [bending his responses to impress a visiting state policeman within earshot] Oh, you have, huh? Are you sure he’s the one we’re after?
Art Crowley, the Grocer: Sure I’m sure. It’s Sam, the big brute that belongs to Floyd.
Barney Fife: The big brute, huh? Well, we don’t need the sheriff for this. I’ll take him single-handed.
Art Crowley, the Grocer: And tell Floyd to keep him tied up!
Barney Fife: Right. It’ll be the rope for him. I’ll be right over.

“The Andy Griffith Show: A Black Day for Mayberry (#4.7)” (1963)
Opie Taylor: Who are they? Friends of Pa’s?
Deputy Barney Fife: No, they’re just waiting.
Opie Taylor: What for?
Deputy Barney Fife: Don’t ask me what for, I just run the waiting room, that’s all.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Barney’s First Car (#3.27)” (1963)
Barney Fife: The last big buy I made was my mom’s and dad’s anniversary present.
Andy Taylor: What’d ya get ’em?
Barney Fife: Septic tank.
Andy Taylor: For their anniversary?
Barney Fife: Yeah. Oh, they’re really hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced.
Andy Taylor: You’re a fine son, Barn.
Barney Fife: I try.
“The Simpsons: Homer’s Phobia (#8.15)” (1997)
[hiding underneath a trough]
Barney: Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir?


“The Andy Griffith Show: The Loaded Goat (#3.18)” (1963)
Barney Fife: Andy, are you havin’ a spell?
“The Simpsons: Simpson Tide (#9.19)” (1998)
Homer Simpson: I’ve joined the Naval Reserve.
Barney: I’m not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I’m joining too.
Moe: I’m not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I’m joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.
“The Simpsons: Lisa’s Sax (#9.3)” (1997)
Homer Simpson: Oh, my father gave me beer as a child.’Til wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.
Barney Gumble: [Flashback to Homer and Barney as boys] Let’s never drink again.
Homer Simpson: [Flashback to the present, Homer has a Duff beer in his hand] And we never did.
[Drinks it]


“The Andy Griffith Show: The Education of Ernest T. Bass (#5.4)” (1964)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I just don’t know what to do. I can’t put him in jail, he keeps breakin’ out. I can’t make him understand he’s got to leave Helen alone. I don’t know what to do with him.
Deputy Barney Fife: Well, you won’t listen to me – you won’t listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he’d get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: He’d kill you.
[Barney looking annoyed]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him – he wants an education, we’ll give him an education. We’ll fix him up with a diploma and everything.
Deputy Barney Fife: I still say, five minutes behind the barn!
Helen Crump: He’d kill you.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy on Trial (#2.29)” (1962)
Deputy Barney Fife: [Testifying at hearing] … Why Andy’s the best friend I got in the whole world. And as far as I’m concerned, he’s the best Sheriff too. All them things I said; for example, his using the squad car for personal reasons. Sure, he was delivering groceries to Emma Watson because she was too sick to get down to the market. And that’s just one example of the thing’s Andy’s done for the folks in this town. I could give you a lot more. You gotta understand, this is a small town. The Sheriff is more than just a Sheriff. He’s a friend. And the people in this town, they ain’t got a better friend than Andy Taylor. As far as Andy knowing his job… I’d just like for you to take a look in the record book Mr. Jackson. You know there ain’t been a major crime committed in this town thanks to Sheriff Taylor? The only ruckus you’d ever have in Mayberry is if you tried to remove him from office. Then you’d have a riot. You asked me if Andy runs a taught ship Mr. Milton. Well, no he don’t. But that’s because of something that he’s been trying to teach me every since I started working for him. And that is, when you’re a law man and you’re dealing with people, you do a whole lot better if you go not so much by the book, but by the heart. I guess maybe that’s kinda hard for some of you to understand… I don’t know… its all I got to say.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Bank Job (#3.13)” (1962)
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [Andy and Barney walking out of the bank with Barney disgusted at how apathetic everyone, including Asa, the security guard, is toward the bank’s security; and Andy trying to calm Barney down] Now simmer down, Barn.
Deputy Barney Fife: Four years Asa’s been walkin’ around without any screws in his gun. Where’s the hardware store? Right down the street a whip and a whisker away. Boy, oh boy.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Alright, I’ll go get screws and put ’em in Asa’s gun. What kind of gun has Asa got?
Deputy Barney Fife: Oh, one of those old Teddy Roosevelt Horse Pistols

“The Andy Griffith Show: The New Doctor (#1.24)” (1961)
Barney Fife: Listen to that – two young people lost in a world of pills.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Dogs, Dogs, Dogs (#3.30)” (1963)
[Reassuring Opie after releasing a group of dogs to the countryside as a thunderstorm approaches]
Barney Fife: A dog can’t get struck by lightning. You know why? Because he’s, he’s too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now, now if they was giraffes out there in that field, well then we’d be in trouble.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Ellie for Council (#1.10)” (1960)
Sam Lindsey: There he is. There’s the weak-kneed, chicken-livered, yella-streak turncoat.
Barney Fife: Now look, Sam. You got something to say, say it.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Man in the Middle (#5.7)” (1964)
Barney Fife: I’m sick of the whole thing, too. You try to bring two people together and what do you get? Heartaches!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee the Crusader (#4.15)” (1964)
Andy Taylor: I know what he’s doing, too. He ain’t fooling me. I know what he’s doing. He’s giving presents to Aunt Bee and Opie and everybody, hoping they’ll work on me.
Barney Fife: He’s doing that?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.
Andy Taylor: He give Opie a Rooster, Aunt Bee a mustache cup.
Barney Fife: We could get him on a 204.
Andy Taylor: What’s that?
Barney Fife: Bribery,collusion, tampering with, and/or intimidation of material witnesses.
Andy Taylor: That’s a 204?
Barney Fife: Kind of a catchall.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Goodbye Sheriff Taylor (#5.10)” (1964)
Deputy Barney Fife: On this job there’s only two kinds of cops: the quick and the dead!

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy Forecloses (#1.28)” (1961)
Andy Taylor: You know, I just can’t believe that anybody could be as mean as Ben Weaver’s makin’ out.
Barney Fife: He sure got me convinced.
Andy Taylor: [an idea] Well, maybe he just don’t see how mean he really is.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Ernest T. Bass Joins the Army (#4.3)” (1963)
[Andy, Barney and the recruiting sergeant watch as Ernest T. Bass incur his wrath on Mayberry for not getting into the Army]
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Look at him go. He’s a strange one.
Recruiting Sergeant: He’s a wild one.
Deputy Barney Fife: He’s a nut.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Clubmen (#2.10)” (1961)
Barney Fife: Boy, you’re a clown, you are. Why don’t cha put a red light onto your nose and go in the circus?

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Big House (#3.32)” (1963)
[shouting to two prisoners]
Barney Fife: Now here at “The Rock” we have two basic rules. Memorize them so that you can say them in your sleep. The first rule is… Obey all rules. Secondly, do not write on the walls, as it takes a lot of work to erase writing off of walls.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy and the Gentleman Crook (#1.21)” (1961)
[Barney accidentally fires off his gun]
Andy Taylor: Barney, you promised me when I gave you that bullet you’d keep it in your shirt pocket. Now, why’d you take it out?
Barney Fife: Oh, I’m sorry, Andy. I… Doggone it, that bullet was turnin’ green in my pocket. I thought it’d keep better in the gun.
Andy Taylor: Barney…
Barney Fife: And besides, I’ve already lost two bullets in the laundry.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Aunt Bee’s Invisible Beau (#5.27)” (1965)
Deputy Barney Fife: He buttered her up and she egged him on!

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Rumor (#4.29)” (1964)
Deputy Barney Fife: [Barney trying to keep Andy from going home to dress for dinner] Well, it’s a whim. Are you going to question a whim? You question a whim and you take the fun right out of it!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, would it kill the whim if I just take a shower and put on some clean socks and underwear?
Deputy Barney Fife: Sure it will! It’s not a whim anymore if you put on clean underwear!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I don’t understand it. But I guess a fellow shouldn’t question when he’s getting a free supper.
Deputy Barney Fife: That’s right! Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Can you let me have $5?

“The Andy Griffith Show: One-Punch Opie (#3.14)” (1962)
Barney Fife: Yeah, well, today’s eight-year-olds are tomorrow’s teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters goin’ wrong, you got to nip it in the bud.
Andy Taylor: I’m gonna have a talk with ’em. Now, what more do you want me to do?
Barney Fife: Well, just don’t mollycoddle them.
Andy Taylor: I won’t.
Barney Fife: Nip it. You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you’ll find that every one of them is in favor of bud-nippin’.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Lawman Barney (#3.7)” (1962)
Deputy Barney Fife: [after the two farmers crowd him when he asks them to move their vegetable stand outside of the town limits] You’re both a lot bigger than I am, but this badge represents a lot of people. They’re a lot bigger than either one of you. Now, are you gonna get movin’?

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Haunted House (#4.2)” (1963)
Barney Fife: All I’m saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn’t be tampered with. We don’t know everything, Andy. There’s plenty goin’ on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don’t know anything about and I think we oughta stay clear.

“The Andy Griffith Show: The Great Filling Station Robbery (#3.22)” (1963)
Deputy Barney Fife: Gentlemen, I give you science in action, proof positive! The camera does not lie – THERE is your criminal!
[Slams picture from security camera on desk, only to discover it’s a picture he accidentally shot of himself setting up the device]
Deputy Barney Fife: [Aghast] It’s ME!
Gomer Pyle: Hey, you take a purty good picture, Barn! Me, I never do.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Back to Nature (#4.31)” (1964)
Barney Fife: You see a wild bird just flies in there to get them berries and then it knocks against that stick there and then this, this snare, you see, just falls down on it and you got it.
Gomer Pyle: Well, I guess it’s gonna be tough eatin’, though. A bird strong enough to move them rocks and knock that stick over’s bound to be on the muscular side.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Alcohol and Old Lace (#1.17)” (1961)
Barney Fife: [Barney and Andy have found Ben’s still] Lets go in shootin.
Andy Taylor: Now easy Barney. That’s ol’ Ben, he’s a friend of ours. There ain’t no call to go shootin at ol’ Ben. We’ll just move in and take him easy like. Come on.
[yells to Ben]
Andy Taylor: Howdy Ben. I say, Ben you got company.
[Ben shoots at them]
Barney Fife: Don’t go shootin at ol’ Ben, huh. Well ain’t that better than him shootin at ol’ us?

“The Andy Griffith Show: Barney Mends a Broken Heart (#3.6)” (1962)
Barney Fife: You’ll never be lonely as long as I’m around.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Irresistible Andy (#1.5)” (1960)
Ellie Walker: How dare you think I’d wanna marry you? Who do you think you are? Just because I accepted what I thought was a friendly, neighborly invitation… And for your information, Mr. Sheriff, I’ve given dozens of children free ice cream cones – even if they weren’t the children of such gorgeous, charming, desirable catches as yourself! Well, let me tell you something, you big, brave hero – I wouldn’t go to the dance with you if you were the last man on Earth, let alone marry you! Nor do I need your generous help in getting an escort. And just to prove it to you, I’m going to go with the first single, unattached man who comes through that door!
Deputy Barney Fife: [entering] Hi.
Ellie Walker: YOU!
Deputy Barney Fife: Me?
Ellie Walker: Yes. Are you taking anyone to the church dance Saturday?
Deputy Barney Fife: No.
Ellie Walker: In that case, I accept your invitation! Thank You!
[Ellie storms off]
Deputy Barney Fife: [to Andy] I just come in here for some foot powder.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Three’s a Crowd (#2.27)” (1962)
Andy Taylor: They’s somp’in’ I wanna talk to you about.
Barney Fife: Yeah?
Andy Taylor: You know, for about a week now, we been spendin’ a lot of time together, right?
Barney Fife: Yeah.
Andy Taylor: I mean, it’s been Mary and me and you and Thelma Lou or… Mary and me and you, and, uh, well, I was thinkin’…
Barney Fife: Yeah?
Andy Taylor: Don’t you think we ought to spend some time alone? D’you, uh… Do you understand?
Barney Fife: Well, sure, I understand, Andy. Of course.
Barney Fife: [picks up telephone] Sarah, uh, get me 2-4-7.
Barney Fife: [to Andy] You should have mentioned this sooner.
Barney Fife: [on phone] Uh, Thelma Lou? Barn. H’yeah. Uh, listen, we can’t make it over to Mary’s tonight. Uh, Andy and I wanna spend some time alone.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Andy and the Woman Speeder (#2.3)” (1961)
Barney Fife: You know, Andy, there’s one thing you got to say about this case. It was a gas.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Barney Gets His Man (#1.30)” (1961)
Andy Taylor: Well, what’s the matter, Barney?
Barney Fife: I swallowed my gum.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Man in a Hurry (#3.16)” (1963)
Barney Fife: You know what I think I’m gonna do?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: What?
Barney Fife: I’m gonna go home, have me a little nap, then go over to Thelma Lou’s and watch a little TV… Yeah, I believe that’s what I’ll do. Go home, have a nap, then over to Thelma Lou’s for TV… Yep, that’s the plan, go home, little nap…
Malcolm Tucker: For the love of Mike, do it! Do it! JUST DO IT!
Barney Fife: What’s the hurry?

“The Andy Griffith Show: Prisoner of Love (#4.18)” (1964)
The Prisoner: I don’t know much about these things. What should I call you? Sergeant? Lieutenant?
Deputy Barney Fife: No. No, nothing like that. No, y-you can just uh,
[clears throat]
Deputy Barney Fife: call me by my name
The Prisoner: How nice. And What is your name?
Deputy Barney Fife: It’s… uh… it’s uh… it’s Fife!… Bernard P. Fife l… Well, Bernard Fife… Deputy Fife… B-Barney Fife! That’s it. Barney Fife’s my name.

“The Andy Griffith Show: Rafe Hollister Sings (#3.20)” (1963)
Andy Taylor: [seeing how many musical terms Barney actually knows] What would you do if they asked you to sing a capella?
Barney Fife: Well, I’d DO it!
[to the tune of “La Cucaracha”]
Barney Fife: A capella, a capella…

“The Andy Griffith Show The Lucky Letter (#5 19)” (1965) Deputy Barney Fife You work with a person long enough you get as goofy as he is! Deputy Barney Fife I am not superstitious and who says I believe in chain letters; I just don’t mess around with them that’s all
Barney Fife (Character) – Quotes – IMDb
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Barney Fife (Character) – Quotes – IMDb
www imdb com character ch0215486 quotes
“The Andy Griffith Show The Lucky Letter (#5 19)” (1965) Deputy Barney Fife You work with a person long enough you get as goofy as he is! Deputy Barney Fife I am not superstitious and who says I believe in chain letters; I just don’t mess around with them that’s all

The Andy Griffith Show (TV Series 1960–1968) – Quotes – IMDb
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Barney Fife Andy, I’ve this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk I even gave him a test I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it You know what he
barney fife quotes – Google Search | inspiration | Pinterest | Barney fife
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Actors Andy Griffith (Sheriff Andy Taylor), right Don Knotts (Deputy Barney Fife), in a scene from the “The Andy Griffith Show” on Jan
Funny The Andy Griffith Show Quotes
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As well, the story follows Andy’s deputy, Barney Fife, his aunt and housekeeper, Aunt Bee, and his son, Opie The series was well received and won numerous
The Andy Griffith Show – Wikiquote
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[hide] 1 Unidentified episodes 1 1 Andy; 1 2 Barney Fife; 1 3 Gomer Goober; 1 4 Other Unsorted 2 Dialogue; 3 More Dialogue; 4 Cast; 5 External links
dialogue – Barney Fife “In life there are many roads ” quote? – Movies
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Jan 17, 2016 – It’s from A Date for Gomer (season 4, episode 9) that aired in 1963, where Barney tries to give Gomer some advice about dating Barney What
Barney Fife The Preamble To The Constitution – YouTube
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If you want to see a funny video and the Preamble of the Constitution this is the right spot My teacher played this
The South’s Favorite Deputy Barney Fife – Southern Living
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Knotts played his character seamlessly and was rewarded with five Emmy Awards for his portrayal of Deputy Barney Fife Knotts left the show after five seasons
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“Finding the Way Back to Mayberry” smiles jpg (17429 bytes) The Andy Griffith Show is a unique television series in that it never goes out of style
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Welcome to Miss Peggy’s Post – a – Quote Archive Page Barney Bee Taylor Age Aunt Bee You say another word Barney Fife and you’ll regret it!!
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Don Knotts created Deputy Barney Fife as a hyper-kinetic but comically inept counterpart to Barney fife-high-school324b Barney’s Famous Quotes
First Episode‎ ‎The New Housekeeper
Full Name‎ ‎Bernard P Milton Oliver Fife
Last Episode‎ ‎Andy and Helen Get Married‎
Spin-off Appearances‎ ‎Mayberry R F D
Barney Fife – Wikipedia
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Bernard “Barney” P Milton Oliver Fife is a fictional character in the American television program The Andy Griffith Show, portrayed by comic actor Don Knotts
Favorite Quotes “NIP it in the Bud! NIP IT! NIP IT! NIP IT
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Sep 14, 2015 – 9 posts – ‎7 authors
I noticed there was no favorite quote thread for this show, and that’s a darn Dwelled a sheriff and his buddy, pistol-packing Barney Fife
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Fife Quotes from BrainyQuote, an extensive collection of quotations by famous authors, celebrities, One of my great influences was Don Knotts as Barney Fife
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Context This line is spoken by Barney Fife, played by Don Knotts, in the TV show The Andy Griffith Show (1960-1968) Barney Fife might have been the deputy
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Feb 27, 2017 – Many touching heart collections, 25+ Barney Fife Quotes The Best Barney Saying! For your daily life inspirations QuotesNew com November
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Jun 30, 2014 – I have heard people describe Officer Barney Fife as a neurotic, a nervous Nellie, a jitterbug even! But those who have judge Officer Fife in this
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“Gomer get down there with them spiders!” – Barney “There ain’t no gold And don’t be hanging around when that truck comes through ” – Barney “Fly a quail
Favorite Barney Fife quote? – Democratic Underground
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Feb 26, 2006 – 10 posts – ‎7 authors
I got mine “Now here at the Rock we have two rules Memorize them until you can say them in your sleep Rule number one obey all rules
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Quotes by Deputy Barney Fife • 1 quotes I’m a man of the world, Andy Why, I’ve even been to Raleigh! Profanity Our optional filter replaced words with *** on
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The theology of Deputy Barney Fife – Stephen M Miller
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Dec 12, 2012 – I started wondering how Barney Fife might react to some of the quotes in the Bible…or how he might paraphrase them…or even what his
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But, in Season Three’s The Bank Job, Barney gets locked in the vault and has However, in the much later episode, The Return of Barney Fife, we are told that
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